Refresh. Regrow. Renew.

I love all my children and can't wait to have more; whether they come from my body or some else's. However, regardless of how many children we have, there will always be one that was not meant to be with me, the one my heart longs for.

Tim and I had been married for seven months, Tim was working for both of us so I could go to school full time. Everything was going well when we found out that I was pregnant. We were both happy but troubled. How would we make this work? Would I still be able to finish school? How is this going to affect our relationship? Once we got used to the idea, we were very excited and before we knew it everyone in our family had heard the happy news and called us with congratulations. Finally the day came when we were going to hear that baby's heartbeat. I will never forget that day. We waited eagerly for our turn in the waiting area and finally made it back. The technician comes into the room full of smiles and congratulations but then her face darkens as she tells us to go directly to my doctor. I realize that something is wrong, but I was not prepared for what I was about to hear.

"They couldn't find the heartbeat in the ultrasound, you are going to have a miscarriage". What was he saying? I didn't understand until I looked at Tim's face. Then I knew. We had lost our baby ten weeks into our pregnancy. There aren't words to describe how my heart broke that day. We went home and cried then returned the next day to hear our options. My doctor told me that I needed a D and C but that I could wait and have another ultrasound the following week so that we could be sure. That's what we did. This time our technician came in without the smiles but again heard no heartbeat. She asked us if we wanted a picture, I didn't know what to say but thankfully I said yes. To this day, I look at that picture and wonder our baby might look like, if our baby knows how much I love him or her and how much I pray to one day see that baby again.

When we went back to my doctor, she had moved to another location so we were given a new doctor who was quite content to let this baby pass on its own. A few weeks later, I began to spot a little and when I mentioned this to my doctor, he was convinced that the baby had passed. He didn't run tests or try to verify it in any way, just told me that it was over and to be sure to call him if I had any problems. I never thought to question him after all he was a doctor and knew more than I did.

The next few months were hard for me. Looking back, I can see the depression eating away at me and starving me of my life. I remember falling to the floor in tears, cursing God for what he took from me. I really hated Him for that and I didn't even believe He existed. I would lay there until it was time for Tim to come home. There was no joy for me, I didn't laugh and I didn't care. Nothing changed much until school started again. Studying for tests and writing papers helped to distract me. I was coming out of it, but still couldn't get back to my old self. Something was still holding me back.

Just before Thanksgiving, I began having unusual abdominal pains. So I call my ob/gyn but the nurses dismissed my concerns about it being connected to the miscarriage. So I visited a family doctor who told me that my white blood cell count was low and diagnosed me with a bladder infection. The next day we make the six hour trip to Tim's parents house for Thanksgiving and during the entire trip I am in absolute misery and pain. Tim was so worried about me that he pulled into a town and thought about taking me to the hospital. I insisted that we continue and worry about it when we get to his parent's house.

Thanksgiving day comes and the pain is subsiding but still causing me distress. Somehow, I managed to have a good day and was really glad to have something to do besides think of the baby. After dinner most everyone left but some of Tim's cousins and his sister stayed with us, so we decided to watch a movie. The Perfect Storm. I still haven't seen it and don't think I ever want to. Right after it started, the pains returned. So I went to the bathroom and as I was sitting there I knew that something wasn't right. So I examined myself and could feel the embryonic sac trying to come out. I started pushing right away and it came out almost immediately. I was in such shock and didn't know what to do so I just sat there staring at it. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, so I reach in and pick it up. It must of been several inches wide and over a foot long. Then I saw something, a small white shape surfacing. I could see the toes, the face, the fingers, it was so tiny. It was in this moment that I first felt God's presence. In this earth shattering moment, I was calm and felt that God's arms were around me telling me I would be okay. I put it back, washed my hands and invited Tim inside. We cried and cried, but I still felt that peace about it. Tim's mother came in and prayed for us. Usually that would have freaked me out but in that moment, it was so welcome.

We made it through the night, went to the hospital the next day just for a follow up and then we returned home. I still feel the pain like it was yesterday but I think it was the only way God would ever have come into my heart. As for my doctor, I was extremely angry with him for not doing his job to take care of me. So many people who hear this story ask me why I never pressed charges. It took a while for me to realize the entire magnitude of the situation; by that point I had accepted it as God's will for me and to remain angry or retaliate seemed like I was rejecting God's will. So I choose to release it and let God handle the situation. That's not to say, it doesn't make me mad. In fact, I saw that doctor this past Christmas and almost walked up to him to throw my groceries in his face. But I maintained my self-control, paid for my groceries and went home to my babies instead.

It took awhile longer to fully recover but I did. It took even longer to accept God's presence in my life but I did that too. I still struggle with my faith but I do believe in Jesus and who he says he is. This pretty much catches everyone up to the present day. I graduated in 2002, had Tiffany the following year and Benjamin two years later and we are now trying for number three. I can't wait to see what God has planned for us next.