Refresh. Regrow. Renew.

Its been awhile since I have visited.  Perhaps with a shiny new laptop, the completion of homeschool and the addition of meds I will visit more often.  Its been such a roller coaster lately, but oh so good.  I was diagnosed AD/HD early this summer, after suffering from a terrible episode of depression, but with the addition of Adderall in my life everything is so much clearer.  I didn't really believe I was AD/HD before starting meds but now that I have ben on them for awhile, I feel as though my life has been wasted until now.  Ok, so that sounds a bit overly dramatic but I look back at my life and I can see all of the different ways that I could have felt better about my life, in my life, around my life.  I thank God everyday for making me go to this saint of a doctor who actually listened to me, all my ravings and made really good decisions regarding my health.  So here are some things that I have been able to do since Adderall has joyfully entered my life:  clean kitchen, clean living area, begin organizing 38 years of clutter, control my temper, control my eating, lose weight (25 lbs), read the bible (at Jeremiah), be happier, be less anxious, listen when people talk, love my children more, love my husband more.  I could go on but then you would need Adderall to finish it.  Things are actually rough right now also.  We had to say goodbye to our beloved dog Daphne.  I am going to have to say goodbye to my most beautiful Princess who I have had since she was just a kitten.  We just found that our other dog has a tumor.  There are so many things we are also trying to get done that have overwhelmed me a bit not to mention playdates, homeschool, ballet, PE, bible study, exercise, blah, blah, blah.  I wonder where I would be if I didn't have Adderall to level this crazy playing field of life.  Probably sitting next to someone named Dandelion who periodically jumps up, runs around naked screaming about howling monkeys taking over the world.  So I will take my meds joyfully knowing that I am okay and even with all this craziness in my life, I am really happy. 

Where has she gone?  Is she hiding by the river?  Perhaps, somewhere hugging a tree?  Sadly no, she is hiding somewhere in my mind.  I can feel her beating on her metal walls begging to be released not knowing why she has been bound.  How she got there, I do not know.  But soon, I will discover the key and set her free once more. 

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.

The fog is beginning to lift, but only slightly.  Slightly is enough for now though.  It started Wednesday night after I went to my first house church meeting.  I was so intimidated by my surroundings.  The houses in the neighborhood were stunning and huge.  I kept driving looking at house after house thinking that they can't all be this lovely, then I would find another one even nicer than the last one.  When I pulled up to the hosts house, I was speechless and the kids and I just stood there for a moment marveling. The inside was just as amazing as the outside complete with swimming pool, movie theater and a stunning view of the lake.  Everyone was great, funny and they all seemed to get along so well.  Would they like me?  After all, I am a little different.  As the night wore on, I knew that this group would be a good fit for me and it just felt right.  The kids also liked it and now want to come every week.  After the kids were in bed that night, I was reflecting on the night and realized that I was feeling happy.  Whoa, back up!  Where did that come from?  That was the first time in months that I experienced that particular emotion.  I just wanted to hang onto it but sadly, I was back to melancholy the next day.  Friday I woke up and felt a little lighter, still sad but better and as the day wore on I found I could focus and concentrate on the more complicated tasks that I hadn't been able to lately and today, I feel that I can breathe.  I am scared to think that I may be coming out of it because going back in is just intolerable.  I only wish I knew why I sink into these depressive states but for now I am thankful for the good day I had yesterday and will be praying for the good ones to follow.  Thank you Lord for seeing me through each day!

Parenting Magazine helped author Meagan Francis put out a book called, "The Happiest Mom".  She gives ten steps to be a happier mom drawing from her own experiences.  Its nothing we haven't heard before but she says everything in such a way that you slap your forehead and say "Duh, why didn't I know that!"  She is funny and charming.  There are tests in each chapter to help figure out where we fall in certain areas, quotes from other moms and tidbits of advice.  Its because of her I have decided to seek medical assistance for my depressive state which I hate but she says that we deserve to be happy and since I'm not most of the time, something has gotta give.  So here is a quick rundown of her book but for the full effect go out and buy it yourself! 

step one - take the easy way out
     i have been trying to make things in my life simpler but i seem to be cutting out some of the things i like to do instead.  crap, time to re-evaluate.

step two - aim low and go slow
     in this chapter you learn techniques to lower your expectations.  if you have been to any of my kids parties, you know that i need to memorize this chapter. 

step three - trust your gut
     i have always been really good about this one also but there is alot of good info that is great for anyone who tends to worry a little too much.  you know who you are. 

step four - keep it real
     this is a big one for me. i miss the old me alot and realized that i have forced myself to push young, fun kathy aside and replaced her with old, fat, cranky mom.  so now i am on a mission to rediscover myself and make sure that i am real with who i am with all my different roles.  my daughter said that she likes my tummy because it makes a good pillow, well its still outta here but she can use it while it lasts.

step five - find your tribe
     i am lucky here because i have a great circle of friends although lately, i haven't been asking for the help i so clearly need.  but i am working on it.  so if you see that i need help, don't be polite to me just tell me what i need and make me do it.

step six - go with the flow
     this is so easy for me.  plans change and so do i.  but if you have trouble rolling with the changes then you better study this one. 

step seven - make your bed
     now we hit a snag.  i am better at making messes than cleaning them up.  this will be hard to do especially when i learned my life lessons from a woman who could be a feature on any hoarder television show. although, i have hired a mother's helper for the summer to help me clean out my house of all the extra stuff that i do not need.  next, i will train the children to clean . . . well, maybe i better send them to another mom for that part.

step eight - have a plan
     another one that i had to read twice.  planning is not my thing but i am going to try for general stuff first and see how i do.  maybe i better read this one again.

step nine - look out for #1
     who is she talking about?  I stay out and look at the sunset when take out the garbage and listen to pink while i wash dishes.  isn't that good enough?  no?  well, i got my work cut out for me. 

step ten - love your love life
     hmmm . . . i will revisit this one after i get on medication because i feel that i judge him too harshly at times.  he really is a great guy.

We can all learn something from this book so go out and buy it, borrow it and then throw some food out for the munchkins, lock the bathroom door and learn something new about you. She also has a blog - thehappiestmom.com for more reading enjoyment.

There are days that are good, not necessarily happy, but enjoyable at least.  Then there are the other days.  Sitting in the back doorway with my head leaning against the wall because I can't find enough energy to consider what needs to be done for the children, for the house, for my husband.  Some days I spend fighting the urge to cry.  Its days like this that I practice the fine art of faking it.  I pretend that I am happy and accomplished never acknowledging the word, depressed.  It is not a cure but it usually pulls me up enough to get through another day.  I do this on face book constantly but mostly so I don't end up throwing myself a pity party inviting those I know well and even those I don't know anymore to join in and tell me cliche' advice like, 'just pull yourself out of it' or 'cheer up, tomorrow is another day'.  What do they know?  Apparently, I do a pretty good job on face book.  I just ran into someone that I am casual friends with who said that I was missed but is glad to see I am so happy.  Ha!  If she only knew that I almost started crying when she said that.  But tomorrow is another day and perhaps I will cheer up and pull myself out of it. 

My mother never showed her love easily but if we watched closely, we could see it.  She was a ghost in my life, visible but barely there.  It wasn't completely her fault though.  Her parents were stern people who were also very guarded with their emotions.  Then after having three children, my dad starts fooling around on her and they divorce.  She moves us to another town where she meets her second husband and has my little sister only to discover that he was so mentally unstable that she had to hire security just to move us out of the house.  Now she had four girls to support by herself.  She worked seventy hours a week to make ends meet and quite often didn't.  I will never understand how hard that must have been for her, how painful, how sad to see us grow up without her involved with our lives.  She somehow maneged to get us involved in piano, girl scouts and other activities and drive us there, also attending special things like my choir performances or my sisters dance recitals.  In all these things, I knew that she loved us.  But she never even whispered those 'I love you' until I had my first baby.  It seems that seeing me as a mother opened her heart to those precious words that I had always wanted to hear.  So for all those unspoken moments I would like to say thank you to my wonderful mother and I love you very much.  I am so glad that God gave you to me.  Happy Mother's Day!