Refresh. Regrow. Renew.

My teenage years were turbulent and angry. I was angry at my Dad for not being there, angry at my mom for not caring, angry that I had to care for my retarded sister, angry that my older sister moved out and angry that my little sister got all the attention. It wasn't fair. At least that's what I used to think. My friends in middle school turned into the cool clique in high school and since I had couldn't dress the part I was left on my own for awhile. Eventually, one of my friends that did stick with me started hanging with the skater and gothic group. I fit great into this group and stayed with them throughout high school. Drinking and drugs was everywhere and my group was no different. During this time, I was usually drunk, I smoked pot occasionally, did LSD once and that was enough for me. Although, I enjoy reminiscing about my LSD trip because at one point I was convinced that I was a cat. Imagine a 17 year old girl dressed in cut off shorts, hippie shirt and barefoot crawling under tables, behind sofas, playing with string and pouncing on bugs. Ah, Memories.

Moving on . . .

After high school two things happened that changed my life. The first was losing my sister, Wendy. She died a year after I graduated high school. At the time, I wouldn't let it sink in how terribly sad I was about losing her because I was still too angry at my mom for making me care for Wendy while she was sick. My mother would have me cook for everyone while she slept and it was difficult because my sign language wasn't great. She once had me give my sister a suppository, I cried the entire time. She never told me how sick Wendy was, perhaps I would have been more understanding if I understood the full seriousness of the situation. In fact, while Wendy was in the hospital dying, I was only told that she had a virus. Not a deadly virus attacking her heart. Just a virus. I have had lots of viruses, I am still here. Wendy loved Sea World and twice a year mom had me take Wendy to see all the shows while she slept in the car. I would get angry about that, but I loved going to Sea World and I enjoyed seeing Wendy having so much fun. I still remember the last trip. She was really sick at this point. I offered to buy her ice cream, her favorite. She wasn't hungry. Instead of smiling and laughing at Shamu, she just watched. Instead of jumping with joy on our way to the next show, she just walked slowly looking at the sidewalk. I haven't been to Sea World since.




The second thing that changed me was Grave's Disease. Three years after high school, I began suffering from fatigue, insomnia and a variety of other symptoms. At one point, I was laying on the bathroom floor at work because I was so tired. My doctor diagnosed me with Grave's Disease, which is the medical term for an overactive thyroid with a goiter. I took a couple of months off from work to start a radioactive iodine treatment, during which time I was restricted from doing anything at all. No sweeping the floor, no washing dishes, no laundry and most importantly no parting. What!!??! If I couldn't party and get high what was I going to do for fun? Thankfully, I found new things to do. Like reading books again, I had truly forgotten how much I love to read and learn. As the drugs worked their way out, I began to reconnect with myself and realized that I really hadn't been happy with this lifestyle but stuck with it because I had grown comfortable. Something else happened during this that surprised me. My dad invited me to move in with him and pay for me to go to college. Hmmm . . . Between getting clean, wanting more from my life, needing a break from my mom and really wanting to know dad; I decided to move to Oklahoma.

To Be Continued . . .