Mr. Clever
Little Miss Giggles (me)
Little Miss Chatterbox
Mr. Funny
Little Miss Sunshine
Easter 2011
Sunshine loves Funny
My Wedding Dress
Praise Jesus Picture
4/29/08
Misery has taken control of my mind and body for the first time in years. I want to be nice, but irritability and frustration have won. I want to laugh, but I cry instead. All I want to do is curl up with the covers over my head but now I have kids and can't do that. I have forgotten how my periods affect me. For the last five years, I have either been pregnant, breastfeeding or had my IUD. I have none of that and I so desperately wish I did so I could be my normal cranky self and not this terrible monster sitting in a corner praying that no one will talk to me.
4/28/08
Touch A Truck day was fun for Tiffany and for Ben it was tolerable. The kids got to climb into a police car and turn on the sirens, run on the back of a tow truck, ride a train and play on a backhoe. My favorite car (not picture) was covered with a variety of games over the exterior of the car. It had monoploly boards, scrabble, mr. potato head and a bubble blower on the back. Very Cool.
The kids freaked out on the back of the tow truck because they were so excited to be standing there.
A mail truck was the only vehicle Ben would approach, everything else made him cry.
Future Fire Fighter, maybe not. She would insists on wearing her best dress to put out the fire.
Ben's favorite part. He wouldn't stop talking about the stupid train, even after it was over.
Finally, he is enjoying something other than the train. He had the gloves on, but only God is fast enough to capture that picture.
I'm gonna get you!
Sitting inside the loader part of a backhoe.
Thinking how she could use the backhoe to carry her brother around. 4/25/08
My world certainly turned upside down as I hurled myself into a crazy new life of trailer homes and Christian zealots in my move to Oklahoma, where the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet unless you get too close to the shitpond. This is a picture of my Dad's backyard where I used to pick flowers. I love visiting now and taking the kids for walks through the fields just not too close to the pond. : )
Let's start with the trailer home. When my dad moved to Oklahoma, he bought 5 acres of land and put a trailer on it. Onto that trailer, he built a house. The parts that are finished look nice but much of it remains unfinished because of his work schedule. He lives in the boonies off a dirt road surrounded by cattle farms. Behind his house are several broken cars, a junk pile and a beautiful pond with trees surrounding it, too bad it is also the septic system (shitpond). Now, I have always lived in a house because my mother felt strongly about us living away from apartments and trailers. So I was quite surprised when I arrived at Dad's house to see where he lived. My room had barely enough room for one bed and me in the trailer part of the house. There was a closet and a built in dresser but no windows and no AC. When I wanted to cool off, I had to leave my door open and prop a fan in the door way to encourage the cold air in. I also brought with me, a dog, a cat, and yes my pet rat. So it was the four of us in this small room.
My dad lived with his girlfriend of 10 years or so and my two brothers who were both still in school. Anthony (dad's third marriage) was getting into his teenage years and acted like it unfortunately (love you, bro if you read this) and Andrew (from my stepmom) was 8 and so sweet and fun to be around. He and I would go on walks together, pick flowers and he loved making jewelry with me. My dad spent most of his time working or watching SciFi TV shows and my stepmom had many interests but seemed to have difficulty picking just one. They really had a different way of doing everything and I had never been a part of a family with both parents present so it was really weird for me. My dad is brutally honest and will tell you anything, I mean anything. I found out things about his sex life that I should be in therapy for. I love you, dad but you don't have to share everything. But in that honesty, he would answer any question of mine no matter how bad it made him look. I learned about what happened between him and my mom and what kind of person he used to be and some of the things that he regrets. I am so glad that we had that time together because I was able to forgive him of the pain he had caused in my life. My stepmom was different from me in many ways which made it more difficult to develop a friendship with her. We had a couple of heated arguments and many differences in opinion but what it boiled down to was that she made my dad happy and was devoted to her family. So I eventually chose to put the problems aside and accept her.
It was during this time that I learned that my younger sister and I had different fathers. When my mother's second marriage turned scary she chose not to tell us about it, including the fact that my sister has a different father. I mean that she NEVER told us, to this day she hasn't actually admitted to it. I had found a letter indicating my mom's second marriage and when I asked my dad about it, he told me what had happened. After the second divorce, my mom asked dad to adopt my sister as his own so that we would all have the same name and the same father. I have to give my dad credit for that, because he always treated EJ as if she were his own and he still loves her as much as ever. I only wish she could see that. Later, when EJ approached my mom (she was 24 I think), all my mom said was I thought you knew. This still remains an unresolved issue in our life.
Moving onto the Christian Zealots. Oklahoma is the buckle of the bible belt and God help you if aren't a christian. After a year with my stepmom, I decided that for both our sakes I would move out of the trailer and into a Tulsa apartment. I worked at Black-Eyed Pea Restaurant as a waitress/bartender. Between the Pea and school, I was becoming agnostic. My mother never stressed the importance of church and would often drop us off at church while she ate coffee and donuts. At the Pea, I would meet so many 'Christians' who would preach endlessly to me about Jesus and saving my soul while I served them their food efficiently and pleasantly. When their meal was over, I would get a card with a Christian message on it and fifty cents for my tip. The bible teaches us to love one another but these Christians I met taught me that Christians were rude, judgemental and self-righteous so I knew that I wanted nothing to do with their life. I met a couple of atheists and agnostics who talked sense about life and had the same difficulties with Christians. I felt very strongly that their was a higher power but Jesus was just a man made delusion, so agnosticism suited me just fine.
I lived in Oklahoma for two years and made a couple of really good friends, got to reconnect with my family and learned so much about a completely different culture. I want to be clear that not every christian in Oklahoma was a religious freak, but that is who had the biggest impact on me. I was able to meet one couple who really showed my God's love while I was working at the Pea. They were just the nicest people and when they talked of Jesus they were able to connect who He really was and His love for people which inspired me listen to what they had to say. When they left they took a pin off their jacket and put it in my hand with twenty dollar bill and encouraged me to learn more about Jesus. It had a picture of a heart and under it said, 'love one another'. I still wear the pin as a reminder. I think that this couple is the perfect example of God's love for us and I pray that others will follow their example.
4/22/08
Because Ben has problems with gas, I keep water by his bed which helps him burp. He was coughing alot yesterday so I get the water and he only takes a sip so I keep making him drink more and more. I take the water with me when I leave so I can get him some fresh water, which is good since that cup held rancid juice. I am not a bad mommy, I am not a bad mommy.
4/21/08
Yesterday, we attended a friend's birthday party and had so much fun. We got to play with friends, eat cake and help with presents. At one point, we are playing on the monkey bars and Tiffany asks for me to play with her while I am playing with a baby. I tell her in a minute because mommy never gets to play with babies. She says, "but mommy you never play with me either!" Uh Yeah! While I know that isn't the case, it still gets under my skin as I evaluate every decision I made today. Why do I listen to that crazy girl? So just a little while ago, I came to the computer to check email real quick while the kids played and sure enough the screams begin. Tiffany fell chin first into the fireplace. She is okay but my ego is damaged now. So I am chanting the mantra, "I am not a bad mommy, I am not a bad mommy" while I play on the computer ignoring my children. : )
4/19/08
My mother is very intelligent, my older sister is a great painter and my younger sister is a wonderful dancer. I am great at . . . well, nothing. I can't draw and my cats paint better than I do. I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld and there are fish who have a better memory than I do. While I don't consider myself dumb, I have difficulty with critical thinking skills and often sound like Crissy on Three's company. No this is not a pity party but a quest that I have been on since being an at-home mom. I want to find something that I am good at. The only thing I could ever come up with was my heart. I have a heart for people and would love to help everyone that I come in contact with, but that's not really a talent; its just who I am.
So today, I could barely contain the tears as I read a story with my kids. Just the Way You Are by Max Lucado. It is a story of 5 orphans who have learned that they are to be adoped by the King. They decide that they must have a gift for the King before he comes. One carves something from wood, another sings, another paints and another learns. The last one realized that she has no talent and nothing to offer the king. She loves people and loves to help them out, but that is all she is good at. So after her siblings refuse to help her find her talent, she sits on the road and sees a stranger coming to town. She talks with him and helps care for his donkey. Soon he is on his way to find someone he was looking for; but when he returns to the girl, he says that they were too busy to talk and then she realizes that he was the king. She tells the king that she has no gift but wants to be his child. The king smiled. "My dear, you gave the best gift of all-you gave your heart . . . your kindness, your time, your love. Of course you'll be my child. I love you just the way you are."
Its funny how a childs story has such an effect on me, but it truly spoke clearly that my heart and my compassion for people is my talent and I should be content with that, no . . . proud of that.
4/17/08
Weirdo. That has always been me. Personally, I take that as a compliment: as well as, freak and if I know you well enough, loser. I have never been one to follow the majority or do what's popular or cool. That still hasn't changed. Many of my friends and people I talk with listen to mainstream pop or praise christian music. Mainstream music often sounds like everyone else and most christian music bores me. I want to bang my head to Metallica, or dance in long, flowing dresses while listening to Stevie Nicks, whatever is inspiring me at any given point in time. Hawk Nelson is my latest craze and they certainly don't fit in my age group. The majority of their listeners are around 13 and well I am a couple decades older than that. Their latest CD is really great and there is a song on their that I just can't stop listening to. Let's Dance. I love this song because I have lived my life not wanting to be like everyone else. I have met many people that I would love to get face to face with and blast this song from the depths of my soul, so they might finally understand that I love to be different.
I'm happy in my skin, being myself - let's dance.
http://www.purevolume.com/hawknelson
4/16/08
My teenage years were turbulent and angry. I was angry at my Dad for not being there, angry at my mom for not caring, angry that I had to care for my retarded sister, angry that my older sister moved out and angry that my little sister got all the attention. It wasn't fair. At least that's what I used to think. My friends in middle school turned into the cool clique in high school and since I had couldn't dress the part I was left on my own for awhile. Eventually, one of my friends that did stick with me started hanging with the skater and gothic group. I fit great into this group and stayed with them throughout high school. Drinking and drugs was everywhere and my group was no different. During this time, I was usually drunk, I smoked pot occasionally, did LSD once and that was enough for me. Although, I enjoy reminiscing about my LSD trip because at one point I was convinced that I was a cat. Imagine a 17 year old girl dressed in cut off shorts, hippie shirt and barefoot crawling under tables, behind sofas, playing with string and pouncing on bugs. Ah, Memories.
Moving on . . .
After high school two things happened that changed my life. The first was losing my sister, Wendy. She died a year after I graduated high school. At the time, I wouldn't let it sink in how terribly sad I was about losing her because I was still too angry at my mom for making me care for Wendy while she was sick. My mother would have me cook for everyone while she slept and it was difficult because my sign language wasn't great. She once had me give my sister a suppository, I cried the entire time. She never told me how sick Wendy was, perhaps I would have been more understanding if I understood the full seriousness of the situation. In fact, while Wendy was in the hospital dying, I was only told that she had a virus. Not a deadly virus attacking her heart. Just a virus. I have had lots of viruses, I am still here. Wendy loved Sea World and twice a year mom had me take Wendy to see all the shows while she slept in the car. I would get angry about that, but I loved going to Sea World and I enjoyed seeing Wendy having so much fun. I still remember the last trip. She was really sick at this point. I offered to buy her ice cream, her favorite. She wasn't hungry. Instead of smiling and laughing at Shamu, she just watched. Instead of jumping with joy on our way to the next show, she just walked slowly looking at the sidewalk. I haven't been to Sea World since.
The second thing that changed me was Grave's Disease. Three years after high school, I began suffering from fatigue, insomnia and a variety of other symptoms. At one point, I was laying on the bathroom floor at work because I was so tired. My doctor diagnosed me with Grave's Disease, which is the medical term for an overactive thyroid with a goiter. I took a couple of months off from work to start a radioactive iodine treatment, during which time I was restricted from doing anything at all. No sweeping the floor, no washing dishes, no laundry and most importantly no parting. What!!??! If I couldn't party and get high what was I going to do for fun? Thankfully, I found new things to do. Like reading books again, I had truly forgotten how much I love to read and learn. As the drugs worked their way out, I began to reconnect with myself and realized that I really hadn't been happy with this lifestyle but stuck with it because I had grown comfortable. Something else happened during this that surprised me. My dad invited me to move in with him and pay for me to go to college. Hmmm . . . Between getting clean, wanting more from my life, needing a break from my mom and really wanting to know dad; I decided to move to Oklahoma.
To Be Continued . . .
4/14/08
4/13/08
This is an email I just received and thought that is was funny. No insult is intended, although I do prefer Obama.
Donations Needed, Please
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since she could never tell the difference.We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on somebody else's money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
4/12/08
Much of who we are is measured by the events of our past. There are many things on my mind that I wish to write about but they require a background check of my past. I started writing about it yesterday thinking that I would be done quickly. Ha! Let me say that again. Ha! Ha! I began with my mother. I had been angry at my mom for her choices she made during my middle and high school year. Its funny how becoming a parent changes your perspective. I still agree that my mom could have made better choices, but after writing about her I can't fault her for any one of them. I love and appreciate my mom more today than ever before.
This may turn into a series, but I realized yesterday that I need to do this so I can get some of this off my chest and help put things in perspective. My life has been and still is full of drama which makes it difficult to go into every detail so if I have left a question unaswered feel free to ask, I am happy to share any part of my life.
Days of our Lives - Early Childhood
This part of my life is very much like a soap opera. My mom has been married and divorced twice and my dad has been married and divorced 3 times and is currently commonlaw married to my stepmom of 20 some years. They both have children from each of thier spouses. Yeah, this is where confusion comes into play. Needless to say I have plenty of brothers and sisters. I was raised with my mom, 2 sisters and one half sister who I have never thought as half. Mostly because we didn't learn of my mom's second marriage until she and I were adults (discussed later, maybe). My brother from my dad's third marriage lived with us for awhile also. But it was mostly just mom and us girls.
Bold and the Beautiful - My Mother
My mother had a very difficult life. My dad was a drunk and a womanizer. Mom's second husband was mentally unstable and may not have been abusive but became threatening enough to convince mom that it was time to leave. I am very proud of her for that, it would have been easy to stay. Thank you mom. She worked at a mill about 60 hours a week to supports us. This would be difficult for anyone but she had an additional burden to bear. When my mother was pregnant with my sister, she got sick with Rubella and Wendy was born deaf, legally blind, with mental retardation and severe heart problems. The doctor's gave her a life expectancy of 10 years involving multiple heart surgeries. I am happy to say that she lived until she was 26 and we had many wonderful times with her before God took her home.
At the time of the second divorce, my oldest sister was about 11, Wendy was 9, I was 4 and my little sister was a baby. I can't imagine what my mother went through at this point. Divorced twice, fearful of her ex coming after, the knowledge that she could lose her daughter anytime and having to raise all of us on her own. She managed to give us birthday parties and make our holidays special. There are not enough words to express now deeply proud I am of my mother for everything she sacrificed for us.
4/10/08
I can't express enough how much I love my doctor. Many people have a preconceived notion of doctors partly because of their extensive training, but also because so many seem lofty and far above the rest of us. My doctor is so relaxed and easy to talk to that I often forget that she is a doctor. Many doctors will have nurses follow up with patients after being seen or sometimes not at all. Last night, she calls me after work just to see how I am feeling and talks to me for a minute about how the procedure went. I only wish that there were more doctors like her.
Dr. Johnson You Rock.
4/8/08
After having our sweet baby boy, I decided that I was through with pregnancy. From here on out we would adopt and that was it. I was done with morning sickness for 9 months. I mean really, why would anyone in their right mind want to go through that for a third time, especially when there are so many children in need of good homes waiting at adoption centers all over the world? My decision has stayed with me since then. In January, we even took apart the cradle and began to get baby stuff ready to sell. Not even a week later, I felt this overwhelming desire to have another baby. Where is the hell is this coming from? I would look around me and see that I was alone or was I? A few days later, I got the chance to hold a 3 month old baby and I was in tears while I held her in my arms and realized that God was speaking to me through this little angel. It is time. So I shared my feelings with hubby and he was actually relieved since he thought he was in trouble for something. Silly guy! We both agreed but decided to wait a couple of months to be sure that I was sure.
Well, here I am absolutely sure and absolutely convinced that this is God's will for my life. Why then am I being slowed down? I have an IUD for birth control and my doctor has tried 3 times to remove without success. Now I must go to the hospital so she can sedate me and use a camera to find it. Is this really worth all the trouble? Am I sure that I am following God's path? Am I being selfish to want another baby when so many need homes? Why is He making this more difficult than it has to be? Can I handle having 3 kids? I don't claim to know but I do know that God knows and He will not fail me now.
A clear sign would be nice, but I will be content in the small amount of faith I do have.
4/6/08
My son is a wonderful gift from God, although he doesn't seem to want anyone to know it. He is 2 1/2 and a very determined little man who knows what he wants and will do what he must to get it. My friend has my train, push her down and take it back. My sister is looking at my train, pull her hair and drag her off. Mom is trying to tickle me, tackle her and knock her down. Despite these tendencies, he really is a sweet boy who will gently stroke a baby's face and say "cute baby" and will give me a hug and say, "I love you, mom". I just wish everyone could see that he truly has a gentle side and these tendencies of his will eventually subside.
Feeding the animals was especially fun for all of us. There were llamas, goats, chickens and one deer roaming free and rabbits, pigs, , a camel and a joey that we could pet behind a cage. Those goats were very determined and while I have no photo to share, I had a very determined encounter with a goat. When I first walked into the petting area I was greeted by a black and white goat who wanted my food so bad that he/she put both front paws on my chest and looked me in the eyes as if to say, "give me the food or someone loses an eye!"
This is a photo of my daughter riding a pony and telling the nice cowboy a story. It's a make believe story she has created about her imaginary friend Jasha. Jasha lives far away from us and has lots of money when we need it, but Jasha has been put into a cage by very bad people and we need to use our powers to rescue her. So far we haven't made it out to rescue her. The story has many variations but this is the basic summery of the story. After she tells her story, the cowboy turns around and asks me if I am hearing her and I say no. With a very concerned and questioning look he says "Well, shes telling me that her friend has been locked in a cage and is in trouble." I naturally laugh hysterically because of the look on his face and I know how serious she can be when talking about Jasha. I let him know the full story and he seemed better, but still cautious.
Here is daddy training his future thrill seeker. This was his first roller coaster ride and liked it the first time around but wanted to get off after that. Tiffany on the other hand loves the rides. She is truly her father's daughter and kept asking us for the rides that go fast.
This concludes our day at the county fair. The children has used up the last of their energy and have that deer in the headlights look. See you next year county fair!
4/5/08
When I think of writing, I fall back to my college days of outlines and research. Recently, I read some blogs of my friends and realized that I was living inside a box when it came to writing. I suppose that it makes sense for me to write some of my thoughts down, because they are usually in some sort of writing format. I even make up titles for each thought. I know, nerd. My thoughts have actually been driving me nuts and as my husband works too much to listen to every single one, I have no one to share them with. Unless of course I want to throw good manners out the window and forbid my friends to speak so that they can listen to all of the nonsense trying escape my mind. In case I am not making myself clear, I suffer from insanity. Insanity from my sweet, precious babies, my husband at times, but mostly myself. Now I unleash my insanity upon blogger and any of you who have stumbled upon these blogs.
May the force be with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJmX1z1NY2c
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