Refresh. Regrow. Renew.

The day started out weird. I overslept. Sleep deprivation has been my life since becoming a mom so I really don't know what to do now that I have had enough sleep. The kids were kind enough to help me though. They each took turns crying about everything; he won't play with me, sister won't share, he touched my fairy books, don't want to play with sister. I can't believe how unbelievably irritating they have been so far today. I feel like pulling out my hair, shoving it down my throat until I throw up because that might be less stressful then dealing with my kids.

I have also noticed lately that I tend to let them watch TV when ever they start to irritate me. That's a great lesson to teach them. Irritate mom and get a TV show. I decided that might not be a lesson that I want them to learn, so instead I sent them to their rooms to cool off. That created something new for me to deal with that I am not anywhere close to being ready for. After a bit, I decided to check on the boogers only to find my two year old son playing with his 'one-eyed snake' which was more like a Happy Tree at that moment. I quickly ran back to the safety of my room where I hide not knowing what to do. Scream. Laugh. Call 911. Thankfully, when I went back he was trying to put on his diaper back on and the crisis was temporally diverted. So much for the extra sleep, maybe I will curl up in bed and suck my thumb for awhile. Nope, I would rather go shopping and forget my day!

During all this I happen across this crude poem of sorts that brought me a great deal of laughter so I thought that I would share.

Tired of sissy friendship poems.......?

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this message, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have .
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask;"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (And don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!)

I realized last week that I will be a great mom when the kids are teenagers. Think back to your teenage years. I know. Double Digits on that one for some of us. We were rebellious in our own ways. Some of us were tame and others were holy hell. But we all typically agreed on one thing . . . our parents were hypocrites. Teenagers just love to use that word when they are angry and they probably don't even know what it means. Well, I realized last week that I am a hypocrite. Woo Hoo! I have already realized my hypocrisy which must give me some power of over teenagers. I am a American Idol Hypocrite! Nothing irritates me more than artists who remake already fabulous songs. There are certain songs that I will tolerate and others I will admit are better than the original, but overall I don't think it should be done. It occurred to me that my favorite show American Idol is full of artists making remakes of already fabulous songs but I watch that show like its a religion. I am such a hypocrite and a terrible person. Obviously, I knew that they are remaking old songs but I never connected that with my hatred of remakes. But, now I realize the truth and will continue to be a hypocrite because I love David Cook, the 2008 American Idol Winner and the first Rocker to win the show. I love David!

I am also a good mom for preschoolers since I am a hyperactive child at heart. I love playing with my kids and other kids too for that matter. I do alot of silly things like crawl on all fours and meow with kids riding on my back only to buck them off like a horse. Neigh! A couple of days ago I was giving Benny a bath and Tiffany comes in to play with him and as I leave to start her shower, I drop handfuls of bubbles on her hair and legs. (I thought it was rather funny) She turns to her brother and says, "Ben, isn't mommy a freak?" I was rolling with laughter. She has figured it out that I am a freak, but a good freak I think. They have been so funny lately. Last night Ben put on his pajama pants by himself and was so excited. He started clapping, saying Yea, then put his arms straight in the air and did a backwards dive onto his mattress. I half expected him to break something but he didn't so I laughed and he it did again and again. They certainly keep me on my toes.

What the hell is wrong with me? Anyone. I don't know but I am driving myself crazy. I have had a great week with my kids and a great day with my friends. So why am I suddenly full of anxiety mixed with depression. Nothing bad has happened. My kids are breathing. My husband is watching TV. I just got a new haircut which always makes me feel fabulous. We are about to buy new furniture. And here I am feeling blue and worried about NOTHING. How stupid is that? Don't answer that. You might make me cry. My stomach is in knots, maybe its just something I ate. I like that explanation. It may not be true but I think it will get me to sleep or at least off the computer so I can fret about it in bed. Good Night All!

I love days like the one I had on Friday. The kids slept until 830 - Hallelujah! Then we stayed home all day and didn't go anywhere. It was wonderful. We played in the front yard-scratch that. The kids played in the front yard with all the toys I hide in the garage and I trimmed the trees and cleaned up a bit. I really didn't realize how dirty it had gotten until it was clean. It makes me wonder if my house is dirtier than I think it is. Nah, I clean it every couple of months so I'm sure its fine. Besides I think of dust as decorative finishes anyway. So now my front yard looks so much better and I can actually see our lovely bench that seems to be losing its finish. But that's okay because now we can sit out in our lovely, fading bench while staring at our dented garage door and turn into mosquito food while we bake slowly in the Texas heat.



The other source of entertainment came in the form of a lovely afternoon shower. This is my absolutely favorite type of rain. Warm sunshine breaking through the clouds. Warm rain falling gently on our faces and ground; forming glorious puddles of water and mud. Summer showers are also one of the few things that can slow me down and watch the world in all its wonder. I always take lots of pictures of this seemingly uninteresting event because the kids always do something funny that I want to capture and today was no different.


Look at my bubble wand.

Praising God for the rain, perhaps.

Washing Hair. Yep. They are nuts.


Below: Mudslinging. Literally. They would fill up their bucket with mud and throw it at the other one, then trade places. That is my DNA coming out.

Making friends as a mom seems so much more difficult than before the kids came. I think about my high school friends and the closeness we shared not to mention the terrible choices we made but we did make them together. I don't miss my high school friends (except for a few), but I do miss the closeness we all shared. As a mom, I am finally making lots of friends but it seems that relationships have changed. Before kids, I could just hang out at a friends house, relax and shoot the shit. We talked for hours about everything and anything, laughing hysterically at stupid things we say. I love that. Now, I still go to my friend's house but there are things to consider: my kids needs, her kids needs, a husband's presence, schedules. We have to watch what we say and do. It's harder to get involved with conversation to build up that strong, close friendship when your kids are begging you to play or explain why batteries don't go to heaven but cats do. What kind of a question is that by the way? Its been our main source of discussion lately.

My other struggle is being Christian. As a former agnostic, blind faith in the bible is very hard for me. I believe that Jesus is who he claimed to be and that God is real but beyond that is doubt. Most of the friends I've made since becoming a Christian were brought up with this tremendous faith that I don't understand. It doesn't occur to my friends to have doubts about the bible, but for me I am constantly wondering about the stories and their validity. Was Jonah was really swallowed by a fish or was it just an analogy to prove God's point? Did Daniel's friends really dance in the fire or did they simply escape? I really don't know but I do try to have faith.

Most of my friends made much better choices growing up than I did. Here I am surrounded by friends who have lived their lives with parents who actually don't get drunk, don't ground you for years at a time, listen to their kids needs, provide them with a good biblical background, set reasonable goals, help them with their homework and just be basically good, responsible parents. How in the world can I relate to my friends when they don't understand where I have been? I am full of doubts about the bible and have many questions, but most of my friends have been raised believing everything the bible says as truth. Their parents showed them love growing up. I didn't hear my first I love you until I was 22 from my dad and 30 from my mom. I know they love me but they sure didn't show it. Many of the moms experimented with drugs or drinking at some point but for me it was a lifestyle for many years starting when I was 15. They actually had me reeling last week. I was listening to my friends talking at a playdate about their parents and some of their problems they had as teenagers. It was difficult holding back the laughter as I listened to their complaints, because I'm sure that I could have sent them into cardiac arrest with a glimpse into my life.

I am really thankful for the friends I have made and they are wonderful, supportive people who are facing the same parental problems I have. So far none of my friendships have suffered as a result of these minor differences, but I am always so excited when I find someone who can relate to me.

Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict. They're afraid of their own anger and the anger of others. But their forgiveness is false. Their anger goes underground. I define forgiving as letting someone back into your heart. This returns us to a loving state -- and not merely within the relationship -- we feel good about ourselves and the world. True forgiveness isn't easy, but it transforms us significantly. To forgive is to love and to feel worthy of love. In that sense, it is always worthwhile. Robert Karen, Phd, Bottom Line Personal, November 1, 2001



I do avoid conflict because I don't want to deal the the possibility of someone getting angry with me. My sister calls me passive-aggressive when it comes to dealing with conflict. This is an issue that I have been trying to resolve in my life by speaking up when things bother me. It really does make it easier to forgive a wrong when I can be genuinely honest about my feelings. Case in point. Ben can be a little rambunctious (crazy) and this is especially true during Tiffany's ballet class. This little guy wants so badly to dance with his sister so when I make him stay in a small, crowded room, he really gets frustrated and hyperactive. I try so hard to appease him with books, coloring, walks outside and anything else I can think of. Its a very hard hour for me but I try and most of the other parents are very understand. However, there is a woman at Tiffany's dance school who has been grumpy and short with me all year. She even mumbled something a little harsh about my Benny as I was walking away from her. Needless to say, she is not much fun to be around. Something happen at Tiffany's ballet recital last weekend that began to soften my heart. I saw how much work and dedication this woman put into the production of the ballet. I mean she put her entire heart into it so I'm not surprised that she gets frustrated at sweet little boys who are making her job harder. That's how I feel when he takes me away from a job I am trying to do. So I am letting her into my heart and forgiving her for the same things I do when I have obstacles in my path.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. Paul Boese

Ideas whirl around my head like a tornado as I try desperately to grab one, but the force of the wind snatches it away leaving me nothing to write about. Its extremely frustrating to read so many other blogs and wonder why I can't do that. Perhaps the snatching winds are actually my children draining my sanity and leaving me mentally drained as I sit at the computer wondering what to say. Interesting things happen all the time with children so I should have plenty to talk about.

Empty space.

Actually, my little man is driving us nuts now. Every night for the past week he starts to cry about twenty minutes after we leave, so we run to his room to find him half-naked with both legs stuck in one side of his diaper. I try so hard not to laugh but he sees right through me and gives me that smile which causes me to laugh. I love my babies and I can't wait for the next one. Which brings to mind the apparent downfall of knowing when I ovulate. The waiting. Its only my second month of trying and I am already excited and frightened about being pregnant again. I get excited every time I see a baby but the fear of morning sickness sweeps that joy away. Back and forth I go slowly driving myself insane. Can't I just get pregnant already? I hate my mind at times like this.

Last night's performance of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe was so wonderful that words escape me. Most dance recitals showcase the individual classes in a series of random acts without any point except to see our babies dancing. This company went above and beyond in creating a performance inside a story. The acting was so wonderful that words truly were not necessary and the dancing was so extraordinary that I often forgot I was watching students in a dance recital. Naturally, the best part were the butterflies which my baby danced beautifully. Now,she may only be four but she really has improved over the last year and I can really see her progressing in the company if she chooses too. The pictures are below, I hope you enjoy them.

Dress Rehearsal

When we arrived the rehearsal hadn't started yet. So after a quick touch of make-up, Tiffany ran up to the stage to play ring around the rosie with her friends. Benjamin saw this and began to cry so I let him go up until the rehearsal started. He cried again when the girls didn't see him ready to play so Tiffany stopped the game and invited him in. Later, she left the group to play ring around the rosie with her brother and they fell down. It was too sweet.

Ring Around The Rosie

I really have no idea!Finale Practice

The Performance

There were actually 3 performances with 3 casts. I volunteered to help with the matinee performance on Saturday before Tiffany's performance that evening. It was fun and great experience however I was so tired when Tiffany arrived at the theater and this sure wasn't helping my cold.

After I got Tiffany's hair and make-up ready, she was able to visit with her friend Lillian who had come to see Tiffany dance. She was so happy that her friend had come to see her. The performance lasted about three hours at which point we were finally able to congratulate our baby. She received flowers from both us and her friend. Afterward, we headed to McDonald's to celebrate. It was a wonderful evening and one I won't soon forget.